Impermanence

Sitting on the couch in my mom's place and having a cup of coffee. My baby is sleeping in her crib and I got this nudge. I want to write something. I want to write again but not for the public. For myself, for my daughter, to understand myself better so I can be more giving, more present and more loving mother. I want to write to deal with this new world I entered. World of motherhood. So wonderful and so challenging at the same time.

Today was a very peaceful morning. Woke up at 4.30am after feeding Freja. I took an opportunity of everybody being asleep and had some magnificent, quite me time. Sun was slowly rising making skyline beautiful with those orangey red colours. I meditated. Sit down meditation. I haven't done this in a while. Don't want to say I have no time, I avoid this excuse as much as I can, but I guess it hasn't been my priority and I really have no time :D. 

I got this book from the library called "Buddhism for Mothers" and as little as I have time to read it I have been really enjoying it. I am a mother now and been looking after my month year old baby girl Freja. I noticed that now more then ever I am really in need of some good literature. It help to calm me and remind me what is important. 

So many emotions and mixed feeling. Nobody really took time to tell me that it is going to be tough, that being a mother is no hanky panky and your life changes upside down. You always get to see the other side. The sunny side, where everybody talks about a baby as an angel and yes they are sweet little creatures but behind all that hides this immense other world with challenges never known by me. I really appreciate the help from my husband and mom. Support at this time is priceless. I don't know how those lonely mothers do it by themselves without going mad. 

I am not complaining and not trying to say that I didn't sign up for this. I did. Just that I am not sure what exactly I was prepared for. I guess I wasn't really prepared. But maybe it is better this way. My mom said nobody talks about it because you forget it very quickly. That could be true because even if the job is really hard the payoff as well is really worth it. So it balances each other out. 

For me as much as I remember I try to look at everything as an opportunity for growth, to become a better mother, better wife and a better human being and I am grateful to Freja for this school of life. It is like an intensive course where you are not just learning some theory and then applying it in practise  for few minutes a day. Parenting is like no time for theory and 24h practise. If that's not gonna make me better then I don't know what will. 

I never thought I was a selfish person but when somebody demands your attention for such long periods of time you realise that you don't have any time for yourself. And then I caught myself needing this me time. What about me? I need to eat too. I want to rest. I need to sleep. I, I, I... As important as it is to have this "me time", because if you don't recharge you got nothing to give, you realise that this "me time" can't be a priority anymore. And it is very tough to accept that. That made me see that I really value taking care of myself, having my rituals and having my morning coffee the way I want it. What I have learnt from that? One of the buddhist most important teaching, the law of impermanence. 

I can't get mad at my daughter because she woke up earlier then I expected and I still didn't have time to have my coffee. I can't get mad at her because now I can't really find time to meditate. Then what is the point in reading all this enhancing literature and not noticing what is really important? By giving birth to her I made her my priority and I have to stand behind this word. I don't want to be a mother that just talks pretty and pretends to be all spiritual but when something goes a bit off her plan she gets anxious and agitated in no time. I want to be a mother that uses parenting as an opportunity to enhance my mind because if you choose to notice it, every situation is a lesson. Parenting is an amazing school where you have this little human being giving you the most valuable lessons. Be patient and be grateful.

I try no to judge myself for all those emotions that are not acceptable in society. I feel anger, frustration, helplessness. I have thoughts like :" This is not for me. My day goes by so pointlessly, I haven't done anything valuable. Please someone take this baby from me, I need to rest.. etc. " I am learning to accept it all because it is all human. I am not saying that to be angry and frustrated is the solution, I believe, as Buddha says, that all these negative states of mind is mental illness, but while I still got them, while I am still not a saint, the best I can do is try to accept them and watch them. To understand the impermanence of these emotional states and thoughts. To understand that if I just watch them they will subside much quicker then if I will try to give them too much meaning. I am not my emotions and I have to show them that they are not the boss. Easier said then done but it is possible.

Wow, I actually had all this time to write the post. Thank you baby Freja for being such a sleeping beauty but now I hear you are waking up and I am ready to feed you. I want you to know that all these mixed feeling I'm having are my inside states, my habitual negative thinking and just an adaptation to change. But in no way I ever stopped loving you. Actually the opposite is true. I am learning to love you more and more everyday. And yes I believe to love, you have to learn it, it doesn't come like that. Being a mother teaches you that on a very deep level. But you got to remember about yourself. Don't think giving love to somebody means taking it away from yourself. To give I have to have something to give, that is why I really try to take care of myself as well, my mental and emotional well being. For the sake of both of us. 

Kris