Everyday we run around. Somebody more, somebody less, but still, everyday we are in search of something. Even those who say they don't run around, they just watch TV and don't care, even they are metaphorically running towards something that will fill them up, even if it's some dumb movie that gives that needed relief in the moment and helps you forget some of your problems. Short term, but hey, still something, right? What exactly are we looking for in our day to day life? What are we running towards? Do we care what we fill our days with or we just let it come and go? Do we have any say in it, how our day goes? How much control do we have, if any?
It is good to ask yourself questions on the daily basis. Some deeper ones, like "Who am I? Where am I? What am I doing here? What am I going to do about it? How can I serve?" Such questions that you can't really answer and maybe don't need to, but they are valuable in helping you to find direction. Just ask, that's all. Don't try to find answers because figuring it out with your thinking, rational, logical mind won't work. These questions are not supposed to be logical. I mean you could make them such but then where is the fun in that. Who am I? I am a woman. Cool. Done. You see, boring. So leave it open. Just keep asking.
Then there are some simpler questions (maybe simpler) - "What do I want to do? What do I love to do? How can I change? How can I be a better human being? A better version of me. A better..." A better? Why do we always want to be better? Better then what? Then who? Then your neighbour or even better, better then who you were yesterday? That's the right answer, right? Because that is what They say you have to measure yourself up to. Only look at yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Easier said then done. Well, I don't think anybody listens to that advice but thank you smart, spiritual people. We will try.. to be better at that.. ha
As long as I can remember I have tried to be better. The best. Better then who I was and better then everybody I know. It just seemed the only way to go. The only way that people will love and accept me. Nothing wrong with wanting some love, right? Some pat on the shoulder for job well done? I measured myself up to everybody but somehow I always fell short. Somehow everybody was better, smarter, prettier then me.
That just made me want to try harder. I can do it, common. I can be better. I will fix myself. I can make everybody love me. Just say some shit to yourself and that will make you want to change. Tough love, you know. Fucking fix yourself once and for all. Don't be so lazy. You have no willpower or what? Look at others, how well they deal with their problems. Could you be more like them? Could you at least try to be better? To do better? Can you please make yourself prettier? You want people to love you or not?
That yearning to be better, to be loved and accepted didn't come from a loving place. It came from a place "I am not good enough" and that is no fun place to be, though we all either lived there or still live, not even seeing any way out. All trains gone, no busses come, and taxis, they don't even come to that part of the town. Or so we think. But let me tell you this, and it is up to you if you want to believe me or not, there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is a way out from the Iamnotgoodenoughville. And the answer is plain and simple. Stop that fucking fight of being better, because ain't no love coming to you from you getting another trophy. That love isn't real. It isn't lasting. People who "love" you for your attributes and your stuff can go fuck themselves.
I have tried to fix my body for as long as I can remember. Name a diet, I have tried it. I hated the vehicle I have been given to live this life in. Even when I was a model and my beautiful body was actually earning my some nice cash. Did I ever stop and say thank you? Hell no. I chose to be critical, disapproving, mean. I always thought :"If I was just skinnier, I would be happy and people would love and accept me. Everything would magically fall in to place, if I only could be better then I am." Little did I know back then that it was a lot of bull crap. I was damn skinny, especially in my modelling years, but still, I always needed to be better.
There was always something wrong, something broken, that needed fixing. Now I know only thing that needed some fixing, and I don't mean fixing from a place of hating oneself. My mind needed some love and acceptance from myself. Oh my body needed some love sent her way. I didn't stop for a minute to notice that all is well in my life and my body is amazing, she carries me trough this one, short life we have. I am healthy, active, full of energy. Does that sound like something is broken?
I also had few addictions and I really struggled to get out of them. Excessive drinking, drugs, parties, and of course food. Having an addiction is so far from being perfect and better. Maybe those were my weird ways of trying to fit in. Again be loved and accepted. But all those times I tried to fix myself, because there was something wrong, just didn't work. It just seemed that harder I tried worse it got. Only trough accepting myself, not blaming and giving myself that needed love, some time and patience, I could shift to a healthier version of myself. Only by surrendering to, whomever you believe, be it Life, God, Cosmos, Ocean, Trees or Eagles, doesn't matter how you call it, I found my inner peace. I know that sounds a bit New Agey but fuck it, inner peace is cool and I am proud to come much closer to it then before.
It helped me to realise that how I am, is ok. That I am lovable just the way I am. No condition has to change for me to be lovable. How liberating does that sound? Why don't we give that to ourselves? We are scared that if we stop the fight, stop the fixing we will be stuck in all those problems we have. But can we change trough self criticism? Where does the healthy dose of that criticism stop and an evil twin appears? Could we change trough believing that all is well? Is all well? How can we measure that?
Be more like a child. Eager to learn. Child, when learning to walk and falling thousand times doesn't say to himself :" I am useless. If only I could be better at this. I guess walking is not for me." No, he tries again and again, because he subconsciously knows, that's how life works. He is confident that he will learn that skill. It ain't always easy but it's worth to keep going. And we don't get mad at the child, we understand the process. We don't say :" You stupid baby, how come you didn't get it in the first place?" We understand. We love. Be more like that to yourself. Be your own great parent who knows what is unconditional love.
You are good. Believe in yourself and your journey. Yes, we all fuck up many times a day but so what? What if actually those fuck ups are sent to us by the Cosmos itself and they are not fuck ups at all but lessons. Lessons to help you evolve. Not because you are broken and you need to fix yourself, but to help you express your truest self, which is always love. Only love. Give and receive. To yourself and others. You are good enough.
I love you,
Kris
That just made me want to try harder. I can do it, common. I can be better. I will fix myself. I can make everybody love me. Just say some shit to yourself and that will make you want to change. Tough love, you know. Fucking fix yourself once and for all. Don't be so lazy. You have no willpower or what? Look at others, how well they deal with their problems. Could you be more like them? Could you at least try to be better? To do better? Can you please make yourself prettier? You want people to love you or not?
That yearning to be better, to be loved and accepted didn't come from a loving place. It came from a place "I am not good enough" and that is no fun place to be, though we all either lived there or still live, not even seeing any way out. All trains gone, no busses come, and taxis, they don't even come to that part of the town. Or so we think. But let me tell you this, and it is up to you if you want to believe me or not, there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is a way out from the Iamnotgoodenoughville. And the answer is plain and simple. Stop that fucking fight of being better, because ain't no love coming to you from you getting another trophy. That love isn't real. It isn't lasting. People who "love" you for your attributes and your stuff can go fuck themselves.
I have tried to fix my body for as long as I can remember. Name a diet, I have tried it. I hated the vehicle I have been given to live this life in. Even when I was a model and my beautiful body was actually earning my some nice cash. Did I ever stop and say thank you? Hell no. I chose to be critical, disapproving, mean. I always thought :"If I was just skinnier, I would be happy and people would love and accept me. Everything would magically fall in to place, if I only could be better then I am." Little did I know back then that it was a lot of bull crap. I was damn skinny, especially in my modelling years, but still, I always needed to be better.
There was always something wrong, something broken, that needed fixing. Now I know only thing that needed some fixing, and I don't mean fixing from a place of hating oneself. My mind needed some love and acceptance from myself. Oh my body needed some love sent her way. I didn't stop for a minute to notice that all is well in my life and my body is amazing, she carries me trough this one, short life we have. I am healthy, active, full of energy. Does that sound like something is broken?
I also had few addictions and I really struggled to get out of them. Excessive drinking, drugs, parties, and of course food. Having an addiction is so far from being perfect and better. Maybe those were my weird ways of trying to fit in. Again be loved and accepted. But all those times I tried to fix myself, because there was something wrong, just didn't work. It just seemed that harder I tried worse it got. Only trough accepting myself, not blaming and giving myself that needed love, some time and patience, I could shift to a healthier version of myself. Only by surrendering to, whomever you believe, be it Life, God, Cosmos, Ocean, Trees or Eagles, doesn't matter how you call it, I found my inner peace. I know that sounds a bit New Agey but fuck it, inner peace is cool and I am proud to come much closer to it then before.
It helped me to realise that how I am, is ok. That I am lovable just the way I am. No condition has to change for me to be lovable. How liberating does that sound? Why don't we give that to ourselves? We are scared that if we stop the fight, stop the fixing we will be stuck in all those problems we have. But can we change trough self criticism? Where does the healthy dose of that criticism stop and an evil twin appears? Could we change trough believing that all is well? Is all well? How can we measure that?
Be more like a child. Eager to learn. Child, when learning to walk and falling thousand times doesn't say to himself :" I am useless. If only I could be better at this. I guess walking is not for me." No, he tries again and again, because he subconsciously knows, that's how life works. He is confident that he will learn that skill. It ain't always easy but it's worth to keep going. And we don't get mad at the child, we understand the process. We don't say :" You stupid baby, how come you didn't get it in the first place?" We understand. We love. Be more like that to yourself. Be your own great parent who knows what is unconditional love.
You are good. Believe in yourself and your journey. Yes, we all fuck up many times a day but so what? What if actually those fuck ups are sent to us by the Cosmos itself and they are not fuck ups at all but lessons. Lessons to help you evolve. Not because you are broken and you need to fix yourself, but to help you express your truest self, which is always love. Only love. Give and receive. To yourself and others. You are good enough.
I love you,
Kris
P.S. - I have no education in English writing so excuse me for my punctuations and other terrible mistakes. I am sorry but I am not sorry. I am being creative here and am using them in the way I hope you will understand. If you are one of those who can't stand literacy mistakes (I know there are people like that) feel free to correct me or even better, give me some classes on how to be a better writer and I will only thank you for that.
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